Great Stories from SF Part 1

I was reading The Best of Craigslist recently and they had a post called Superstars of San Francisco. This inspired me to write down some of the better things my friends and I have seen in this beautiful, clean, put-together city. The city that dresses well and showers often. The city that doesn't mind taking the time to floss every day.

The first story I can remember as being really strange was when I was riding my faithful #12 Folsom bus. We pull up to a stop on 8th and Folsom and as I'm waving goodbye to the adorable little boy who rides every morning, I take a gander at something sitting on top of a trash can. There's a plastic bag laid out on top of the trash can apparently creating a cozy little bed for a headless chicken carcass. The chicken was completely in tact, not a feather removed, legs, wings, the whole package, except for it's head. Just a gross scabby bloody stump staring at me through the glass. What the fuck.

Ooh, there are tons of shit-related stories, but I always liked the time my co-worker and I were walking home through the Mission and we saw a really great shit splatter at chest level on the side of a building. It seemed as though this person must have had quite a large amount of skill to pull this off. The only explanations for this law-defying shit was that possibly this crackhead could fly, maybe he was just really really tall and had an impressive amount of force behind his shit, maybe the laws of gravity took a momentary vacation for our benefit. Whatever happened, nothing makes your day like seeing human shit at eye level.

My friend has one of my favorite MUNI stories ever. She was riding the bus downtown watching this woman at the front of the bus. The woman was talking to the bus driver about this and that, sitting sideways in her seat to face forward. As she's chatting it up, she's taking a disposable razor and dry shaving her chin. After each stroke of the razor, she takes a look at the blade and wipes it off onto the back of the bus seat. All of this was being done like it was the most natural act for a woman to do on a bus while having a conversation. What I can't imagine is, why would you wipe your razor off onto a plastic seat? Doesn't seem to me like it would be very effective. That's the only part of that story I can't figure out.

To lighten the mood in this room, I'll throw in two very similar stories that happened within a day of each other. My best friend was riding the bus one morning listening to these two crack heads talking about all of their friends who had recently died of drug overdoses. During this conversation there were oaths made to quit and mentions of the deaths of their friends as though they were pets. The day before this, I was riding a Haight Street bus and heard a woman on her cell phone talking about how she was going to miss Dave's funeral. She apparently didn't even know what day is was scheduled for. "Oh well," she said, "pick me up a flyer. I'll be coming to Danny's though." She then went through a whole list of names of men who's funerals she could or could not make. And this, of course, was all very loud in public like there was nothing strange at all.


That's it for Part 1. Makes me realize I've got to get better stories. I'm sure it won't be long.

Things To Write Creatively About

I found this list of things for second graders to write about. Having tried to keep this blog free of anything personal or opinionated and failing, I feel it is now necessary to completely go the other way. So here are my answers to these questions aimed at children in Grade 2.

• Games I play with friends- I like to make my friends wonder where I've been for the last 5 years. When people that know and love you worry, it makes you feel special. And you know when you show up again with no money and nothing to eat, they'll be sorry about all the mean things they said about you when you were around.
• How to make new friends- Beat up the class bully. Nobody likes a bully, not even the bully himself. So when you make the first move and catch him off guard by slamming a bottle into his head and running away, the respect not only comes from your peers, but from the lump of bloody brain on the ground, too. Everyone wins.
  
• A joke that makes everybody laugh- Q: Why aren't bunnies gold? A: How would you tell them apart from goldfish!
  
• Something funny that happened to me- One time, my friend and I were at the coffee shop and she ordered a small latte. I WAS GOING TO ORDER THE SAME THING!!! It was so weird.
  
• What I know about dinosaurs- I know a lot about dinosaurs. You wanna fight about it?!
  

jerk.

• An important person I know about- Perez Hilton. This chick is going to really turn Hollywood on it's head! She's totally bitchy and stuff. Just look out for the pictures of cum she draws on celeb faces. GROSS. But funny anyway.
  
• Good things about my neighborhood- Junkie poo.
  
• My favorite foods- This is a dumb question and I refuse to answer it. I'm actually offended someone would get this personal in a questionnaire. Dumb.

Kraft CHEESE AND MACARONI!

• After-school games- Getting a fucking job, loser.
  
• Sometimes I wish . . .that I had a penis. Just for maybe a week. I'd show my friends and we'd laaaaugh!
  
• What I like about math- another dumb question. Is there anything to like? It's stifling and humid and makes me break out in a rash. It's like finding the good things about a hot poker in the eye. Umm, math is good because it doesn't make my hair catch on fire?!
  

• My new friend- My breasts. They are amazing. Big, but not too big, round, full, soft. My breasts and I go everywhere together. They run when I feel too lazy to do it. They're the fucking best.
  
• A “knock, knock” joke- Knock Knock. "Who's There?" Ron. "Ron who?" Ron! Ron! The hunters are coming!
• Words I think are funny- peenie, algebra, Spin Doctors, cancer
  
• What I know about stars- At night, they are big and bright CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP deep in the heart of Texas.
  
• What I know about the ocean- It kills your boyfriend. Even when you try to help and scream and swim to him. He dies anyway.
  
• Something I don’t understand- Why we can put a man on the moon, cause innocent people to die, cure diseases, but still can't make a pair of pantyhose that don't run. C'mon America. more like American't.
  
• Things that could be better in my neighborhood- Junkie poo.
  
• Foods I don’t like- Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. Get it together, you're way behind the times.
  
• Games we play at recess- Hold Billy's Head Under the Water Until He Stops Moving. HBHUWUHSM for short.
  
• Some of my favorite books- The new Britney Spears album Blackout album cover, the back of my mom's douche box, and Dianetics.

Fool's Gold

This man smokes lots of weed and plays bongos naked in front of camp fires. Thanks to fate, this is also something I enjoy. That's how we met. He's the type of guy that you wish would not talk so much. But really, what does it matter? He could be holding a dead baby in one hand and an E-Meter in the other, and as long as his chest was showing, he could still be in a steamy but funny romantic comedy with me. I would allow this.

Let's talk a bit about Fool's Gold. See it. That's all.

Alright. Alright.









alright

Arthur's Adventure

Arthur was your average turtle who wore clean clothes and walked on two feet. Not surprised by much but not apathetic, Arthur didn't take much stock in the ramblings of politicians, but instead relied on actual events for his opinions.

On this day, Arthur was planning on going down to the park to sit and read his favorite book The Tale of the Winter Woods which he had read several times. On his way, he stopped in to the cafe downstairs from his apartment where he would order a juice and flirt with the cute boy who worked there. This went without a hitch and Arthur left feeling closer to the day when he would actually ask the cute boy out. As fate would have it, the possibility of this was lower than Arthur could ever have imagined.

As he left the cafe, Arthur put his iPod headphones back in and grabbed his book and juice. He was listening to the Grateful Dead because he felt it was fitting for the sunny day. As he was humming Uncle John's Band, a woman came up behind him. He would normally have heard her high heels or sensed her presence, but his music and his spirits were up and he did not notice the attractive hedgehog. This hedgehog was also quite skilled with the needle full of anesthetic she stuck in Arthur's neck. Now this was not enough to put Arthur to sleep for good, but it was enough to put him to sleep for a few hours.

I won't tell much about what happened to Arthur in those few hours because you will be able to piece that together yourself. You can rest assured that Arthur had a very nice sleep and that he was not physically harmed. The hedgehog will not be heard from again. Her part in this story is over. While she is an important figure, she will no longer be present.



Stay tuned for more of Arthur's Adventure!

Rhyme Thyme

Mrs. Mary Mack, all dressed in black with silver buttons all down her back. She asked her mother for 50 cents to see the elephants jump over the fence. Her mother said no.

Behind the refrigerator, there was a piece of glass. Mrs. Mary sat upon it and cut her little ass. She got a bandage, but it really wasn't even worth it.

Grandma, grandma, sick in bed, called the doctor and the doctor said, "Let's get the rhythm of the head". Grandma called a new doctor and didn't rely on Yelp! for medical advice anymore.

Cinderella, dressed in yellow, went upstairs to kiss a fellow. Made a mistake and kissed a snake, that dirty, dirty whore.

Day One

If this blog had a face, it would be attractive. It would look like a young Cat Stevens in a pair of tight jeans. Of course, it's personality would be pleasant as well. Maybe a little annoying at times, but funny and charming nonetheless. It would not smell like granny coochie.

What's wrong with me?


You is what's wrong with me!


thank you